Heatwave. D'oh

Can you believe this country?

It's been thrashing down with rain for ever, with gale force winds, and the good ole Department of Health is warning us about a heatwave, with top tips for staying cool. How's this for starters.

Paint your house white to reflect the heat. Come on, this is Britain, not Greece. Can you honestly see Mr Smith from 38 Acacia Avenue, Milton Keynes, rushing down to B&Q for an 8 gallon drum of whitewash because some twerp says we're going to have a heatwave? I think not. Here are the other "top tips".

• Shade south and west-facing windows
• Plant small trees and shrubs around buildings
• Replace metal blinds with curtains with white linings to reflect heat outwards where possible

I especially like the one about planting small trees and shrubs. By the time they've grown big enough to shade us, I'll be dead or global warming will mean they're under water!

Let me know if you see the sun. No sign of it here in South Wales for weeks.